Peyton Manning Delivers Comic Gold In ‘Comedy Central Roast Of Rob Lowe’

Posted Sep 6, 2016

Intro: Peyton Manning certainly didn’t disappoint Monday night, when his appearance in “The Comedy Central Roast Of Rob Lowe” debuted. Check out the highlights from Manning — and about No. 18.

Peyton Manning has delivered on the field as a two-time Super Bowl champion.

He’s delivered in front of the camera as a well-known commercial pitchman.

And, as of Monday night, Manning has officially delivered on a roast dais.

Last night’s debut of “The Comedy Central Roast Of Rob Lowe” featured many, many laughs, but the inclusion of Manning as a featured roaster turned out to be a terrific decision by Lowe, who, as we pointed out earlier, should avoid being Manning’s PR representative.

Manning addressed that faux pas — and much more — in his skit last night, which, fortunately, was entirely family friendly enough to present below (thanks, Peyton).

We also have highlights of what the other roasters had to say about Manning — well, most of them, anyway. You can click here to watch the entire episode to see what couldn’t make it to this family-friendly-team-website-specific recap.

Manning, who was given the largest ovation of all roasters Monday night, had much to say about just about every other star on the stage, starting with the show’s host, David Spade:

To David Spade:
“Thank you David. For your first roast, this has got to be really exciting for you. Your performance so far reminds me of my rookie year in the NFL when I threw a league-high 28 interceptions and had absolutely no clue what I was doing. … As we all know, I followed in my father’s footsteps, but David, you forged a path on your own. I know you wanted to follow in your dad’s footsteps, but he snuck out of the house so carefully he didn’t leave any tracks. But you did it anyway, David. You went out and got a business degree from Arizona State. Although to be fair, I think we all know that a business degree from Arizona State is just a bar towel that says you read good. … Speaking of reading, I recently read Spade’s memoir, Almost Interesting. Actually, I’m lying. You really think the first book that I’ve picked up in 20 years is going to be by the guy that played Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star? I don’t think so. By the way David, that title, Almost Interesting? Talk about false advertising. Now, if he wanted to be honest, he should’ve called it, ‘Almost Tall Enough To Ride A Roller Coaster.’ … (In ‘Chicken Parm You Taste So Good’-themed jingle): 'David Spade is dumb and short.’ Sorry. Bad habit. Sorry. It’s just a habit. Bad habit. Sorry.’”

To Jeff Ross:
“Jeff Ross, I love that hairstyle, pal. It makes it so much easier for women to describe you to the cops. Now all they have to say is, ‘He looked like (a) fat pit bull.’”

To Ann Coulter:
“Wow. I just realized that I am not the only athlete up here tonight. As you all know, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby. Congrats on that, Ann. Great job.”

To Ralph Macchio:
“Holy cow. ‘Stay gold, pony boy:’ It’s Ralph Macchio. I am a big fan, Ralph. The Outsiders, My Cousin Vinnie, The Karate Kid. Remember Mr. Miyagi taught you that crane kick? Gosh, was that awesome. It was even more awesome seeing you do it backstage to a vending machine that ate your dollar.”

To Jimmy Carr: “They had to fly in some weirdo from England just to get enough guys up here. No offense, weirdo. It’s Jimmy Carr, right? That’s your name? Welcome to America. I know you guys use words differently there. Like, for example, in England, football means soccer. And here in America, Jimmy Carr means, ‘We couldn’t get Russell Brand.’”

To Pete Davidson: “I just met this guy Pete Davidson backstage before the show. Great guy. He asked to take a picture with me, and I didn’t even realize he was one of the comedians. I told him: ‘Don’t give up, kid. Whatever disease you have, you can beat it.’”

To everyone else:
“But I gotta tell ya — I gotta tell ya. I have no idea who the rest of you guys up here are. I mean, I’ve been sitting up here tonight with all these folks that no one’s ever heard of, thinking to myself, ‘Did I just get traded to the Jacksonville Jaguars?’ I mean, this dais— come on.”

Finally, Manning addressed the man of the hour, Rob Lowe:

To Rob Lowe:
“But, enough about these bench warmers. You guys didn’t come here tonight to find out about these losers. You came here tonight to find out why in the heck I came here tonight. Well, five years ago, ESPN NFL Insider Rob Lowe here tweeted out to the entire world that I was retiring from football. Not five months ago, when I actually did retire — but five years ago, Sodapop Curtis tweeted that I was done. Finished. I mean, Rob, I never tried to ruin your big moments. I never told people when The Grinder got canceled. Or when Dr. Vegas got canceled. Or when Lion’s Den got canceled. Or when Moonbeam City got canceled. Or when your DirecTV commercials got canceled. Heck, I was just thinking, had you been quarterback for the Broncos last year, the freakin’ Super Bowl would’ve been canceled. In fact, the only thing you’re consistently on is Twitter, which is surprising, because you’ve never been able to master one character, let alone 140. … But look, pal. What’s done is done. Let’s say we put this whole thing behind us. I wish you well; I sincerely hope you can break this 20-season losing streak you’ve been on. But, hey, I don’t worry about Rob Lowe. He is a workhorse. And, heck man, if they ever stop casting you in sitcoms, just look in the bright side: you tried to take the air out of my retirement announcement so fast, you could probably get a job as Tom Brady’s ball boy. … God bless all of you, and God bless Rob Lowe — because he’s going to need it.”

That’s good stuff. Legendary, really.

And, as promised, here’s some of the highlights of the comments from other roasters about Manning:

David Spade

“I’ll never forget Peyton’s career. Sadly, he will.”

Pete Davidson

“Peyton looks like if football players evolved to no longer need helmets. … No, seriously, Peyton, I love all of your work. Especially when I saw you in The Goonies yelling, ‘HEY, YOU GUYS!’

“A ‘Super Bowl’ is also what Peyton’s mom had to cut his hair with as a child.”

Rob Riggle

“…And then there’s the Sheriff. Well, well, well. Old No. 18 — Peyton Manning! Peyton, as you know, is from New Orleans. But you might not know this, though: after Katrina, he helped displaced families by letting them stand on his forehead for two days. A real New Orleans Saint!”


“And Peyton Manning is here because Eli is still out there making his dad proud.”

Jimmy Carr

“Peyton Manning is here. Obviously I don’t know much about American football, but I’m told Peyton Manning is one of the Top 3 quarterbacks in his family.”

Nikki Glaser

“I don’t know much about football, but I love Peyton in commercials. You’re so good at them. Like legitimately. I’d say you’re the greatest of all-time. I’d say, like — you’re like the Tom Brady of being in commercials! You know, like, the greatest. Like, he’s the greatest, right?”

Ralph Macchio

“It’s great to be here with Super Bowl champ Peyton Manning. Come on. Peyton Manning. Peyton wrote a children’s book. It wasn’t meant to be a children’s book, but he… he did the best that he could.”

Ann Coulter

“Peyton Manning, I applaud your conservative convictions. I know you’re a big supporter of Jeb Bush. That’s a political contribution that will pay handsomely. Jeb got four delegates, which makes me laugh harder than any of the jokes tonight.”

Jeff Ross

“I just got Peyton Manning’s new book. It’s called: ‘Football Good. Fire Bad.’”

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